Long Ramble

My head is deep in A Sudden Frost, and I've been very philosophical of late, about people. What makes us human. The differences between us, and the similarities. My books and stories are always populated by some pretty shady people, and sometimes what is most disturbing is the realization that what makes some of the most horrible people so alarming to us is their similarity to "normal", "regular" people.

Terrible people do good things. Good people do terrible things. We've all done or said things which leave us quivering and bewildered with ourselves, thinking, "I can't believe I did that." Or "I can't believe I said that."

How many times have to you read a newspaper article or seen a story on the evening news about somebody who was a seemingly wonderful person in so many ways doing something shocking and, in the eyes of their friends and loved ones, completely out of character? They had no idea. Did the subject of these stories have any idea what they were capable of before they engaged in the behavior which makes onlookers of their public downfall cringe?

Seems like we see and hear of it each and every day. What does this say about us? Are we fooling ourselves, thinking we are safe from such alienation because we'd never do something like that? Are we sure? Sitting in our living rooms, on our nice, comfy sofas, or driving in our cars, we feel distant from the subject of public punishment. We shake our heads and think, "what an idiot."

But did that person, who is now in the public eye, really so different from us? I think maybe not, in so many ways. I think that if we sit in disgusted, morally righteous judgement so easily, it's possible we may be setting ourselves up for a fall one day.

We are all weak. We all have faults. Under the right circumstances we are all capable of things we'd never dream we'd be capable of.

I can't purposely hurt somebody without being extremely provoked and backed into a corner. A situation in which I have to fight back.

But casually hurt somebody? Or hurt someone to feel powerful? No. Never. I can't stand to see someone hurt. It makes me feel terrible. My first reaction is to want to ease pain. Not to cause it.

I hope to never cause pain even inadvertently. Even the thought of it causes me distress.

But think about it. How many times have you thought, "Oh, I'd never do that." Really? Are you really certain of that? Depending on what that something is, have you really thought about it?

Have you ever stayed away from something because you were afraid you'd like it too much? I have. I've been successful and I've failed in these struggles. Is it all about willpower? I don't know. But say that a few of those things were dangerous. The consequences of indulging in that something potentially as terrible as it is rewarding.

This is what I'm talking about.

Of course there are things we'd never do. It doesn't fit into our moral and ethical code. But some things you think you'd never do, you may be shocked to find yourself doing one day. For reasons you can't even unearth within yourself. Or maybe you don't want to.

Like I said. I'm being philosophical. My protagonist is going through a kind of moral and ethical crisis. She thought she knew who she was, but something tragic happened to her recently, which leaves her questioning many things about herself which she had, until this occurrence, believed to be true.

Her faith in herself has suddenly been shaken, and in order to cope, she's turned to some self-destructive behavior. Behavior, which in all its danger and potential for damage, is somehow cleansing to her.

Cleansing in the same way fire is, burning and destroying a lifetime of self-assumptions. But once all is destroyed, perhaps she can start fresh. A clean slate. The core of who she is still intact. A basically good person. A reasonable, logical, caring person who went through a bad patch and survived. Who is stronger for it. Wiser? Maybe. One hopes.

I'm in the thick of the story and it's difficult to tear my mind from it. So if this post is too heavy, I apologize. I really had nothing else to blog about, except for what's in my mind right now.

Off to read and get my mind in somebody Else's story now! Get out of mine for a little while. Over and out.